Do you work here?

"Hello Liliana. Nice to see you again. Let me check your latest labs...and I see here on your appointment history that I just saw you two weeks ago....(pause)...and you've had appointments with 3 other clinics in this short time! Whoa! You must really like this hospital! Gosh, you're here so often that you might as well get paid! It's like you work here, huh?"...this is what my doctor told me once at a follow-up appointment. He didn't mean it in an offensive way. He was making a joke out of the joke of a reality for me, numerous doctor's visits every month.

There's a mental disease called Munchausen's Syndrome where a person exaggerates or creates symptoms of illnesses in themselves or their child/children in order to gain investigation, treatment, attention, sympathy, and comfort from medical personnel. Sometimes I wish that this is what I had instead of the cruel Lupus that lurks inside of me. I do not enjoy driving to the doctor's office (or lately, being driven to) every few days. I take no joy in the needle pricks to test my blood. I find no comfort in the sterile environment where I spend most of my days. Yes, I am glad for the medical attention to treat the symptoms that ail me, but how I wish that it wasn't real. I know that Munchausen's is a very serious condition also, but I think that it would be more treatable than my Lupus.

The doctors and nurses at that hospital have saved my life more than once. I am appreciative of all their hard work and their genuine interest but if I never had to see any of them again it would be an answer to my prayers. It would mean I was healthy. I'm there so much that when I have a week or two WITHOUT any doctor's appointments I feel totally lost. It's like I have no purpose. I get very antsy and I try to relax and enjoy the fact that I don't have to be somewhere at a specific time, but I can't. I hate that I have gotten so used to doctor's visits. When I go to the lab there's usually someone there who doesn't require frequent blood draws and they'll make a face when they get poked or get really pale when they see the blood. I envy those people. I don't even notice when the phlebotomist pricks me because I'm so used to it. No one should get used to this. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. I'm at a loss as to what to do because there is nothing I CAN do except fight it. Fight the Lupus. And just keep going to the doctor's office.

Sometimes, though, I'm glad that I am there so much. I've gotten to know most every place in that hospital. And I have met some really incredible people, staff as well as patients. Some of these I've met in the waiting rooms, but some I've met when they needed help. So when I see a confused looking face in the crowd of people at county hospital, I ask if I can help. I like showing them where they need to go. I might as well be useful, right? At times like that, I feel like I DO work there. It's nice to be able to help somebody, even if it's something as small as showing them where the elevators are located. And it's an ice-breaker when meeting new people

I may not officially work there, but in a way I do work there. I work to keep myself in as best health as possible with all the complications of Lupus. All those doctor's visits and pharmacy trips and Lab appointments, they're the job I must complete to stay 'healthy.' I just HOPE that one day it will no longer be necessary because Lupus will be a memory. And the Wolf will bite no more. One day it will no longer be an untreatable illness. There WILL be a cure. I don't know who I'll be then, but I hope that at least I'll have gone through this whole experience and come out the other side a stronger woman that has somehow made a difference. I want to one day no longer be this Wolf's Butterfly. I'll settle for being just a butterfly. Grateful to be alive and healthy.