The Fear of...

I'm afraid. I'm scared of a lot of things in life- especially death, but lately I'm more afraid for a really special woman in my world. She doesn't like when I speak about her to the online world because she likes her privacy, but she's a big part of my life. I'm bound to mention her every once in a while. I will use a pseudonym for her from now on, but it won't be hard to figure out who she is. I just hope that if anyone reading this knows us and knows her that they do NOT mention anything I may write here. She knows I can't ignore her impact on me and will share some stuff in this blog, but she doesn't want it thrown in her face. I can respect that and I hope others will as well.

I'm afraid for her. She's always been the strongest woman I ever knew. She's small but powerful and to me, she's the most beautiful woman. When I was a child I feared upsetting her because she could YELL so very loud. She could make me cry with just a look. And during my teenage years she was my greatest enemy. Everything I did or said was wrong and everything she did or said was stupid. I couldn't wait to turn 18 and move out of her home but then I turned 18 and moved into my dorm at college and I was so upset! I cried every day and every night because I missed her so much. I noticed that my roommates didn't seem to feel the same loss I was feeling and I even dropped a lot of weight.

After I started showing symptoms of what was later diagnosed as SLE she was obviously very hands on in my care. She sought any material in Spanish that she could get her hands on. If it was about Lupus she had to read it. She paid people to take us to doctor's appointments. I knew she would have carried me if she had to so I could get treated. I got to know her as an individual with the biggest heart through the beginning of my illness. It was a side I had never tried to see before and I am mad at myself for denying that chance to happen much earlier. But now that things were as they were I would just accept and love as she was showing me to do.

I could list every single thing she did for me but I would never finish that list. She still continues to do so much for me- sometimes just by listening to my rants. I'm now at a point in life where the Lupus has calmed down very much. It's not in remission but it's not as aggressive as I have known it to be. Still, the fact of the matter is, I am more able to help her now with the little things she needs to do like laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. They're not much but when I do them she tells me that it takes a big load off of her. We've also allowed our relationship to become stronger. She's one of my friends. A real friend, besides just being related to me. In recent years she was diagnosed with a chronic illness that has no cure but can be controlled- much like Lupus. She was in denial about it for a long time but finally she began to accept it and take her medications and take care of herself. I thanked God for that because as long as she wasn't accepting it, she wasn't doing what the doctor advised and she was going about as if nothing was wrong. I didn't want her to be sick. She had a tough time for all those years helping me cope with my illness but with her help I came to some understanding with the Wolf. I wanted to do the same for her. I'm not sure what changed her mind, I'm just grateful that it happened.

But this year a new challenge has come to us. Another health crisis and possibly, another illness. I see how tormented she is by the thought of having another disease and I see how the hope inside her sometimes slips away. She is depressed but acting indifferent to this thing. I know how afraid she is because I am afraid with her. I take her to the doctor's appointments and the labs and the pharmacy and I wonder if she felt these things when it was she driving me around from doctor to hospital to pharmacy. I'm doing my best to repay her back for all the love and strength she showed during my diagnosis. Sometimes she tries to push me away. She says I'm already sick and I already have so much to deal with and that the stress of trying to help her cannot be good for me. So what? There's no way I could leave her to do this on her own. Part of me is afraid she'll stop trying to get treated if I just leave her by herself. But I could never leave her to this by herself. I may not be much but I love her with my whole heart and I'll use every last bit of my energy and strength to be with her and help her in any way possible. There is no official diagnosis on this latest thing yet. We return for more tests and surgery later this month and I will be there with her. I'm very scared to lose her. I'll be lost without her. Sometimes I close my eyes and think about a time when none of this was real. We were just family and didn't have such serious cares. But back then we didn't have such a strong relationship. Sadly, it's thanks to all these health challenges that we are in these positions now, so thank you Lupus, Diabetes, and possible mystery illness. You made us stronger in our love. But I still fear all of you and what you could to to her.